Tuesday, April 25, 2017

Resurrection.

This is on eBay right now.

It's not a secret on Facebook, the place where I hang out the most.

All I've got going for me, that before looked like a curse, became intriguing, life-saving, and illuminating.
I even had the book years ago, but it wasn't the time, unfortunately, for me to look at it. So I stayed in the dark. It wasn't until the time was right that I saw on Facebook, again, the topic of high sensitivity. By that time I had a dog again...a very sensitive dog, which woke me to see the same in me. Until then, I was believing a couple of cruel people I had met and friended through social and legal contracts. They saw the worst in me and I believe them. They said I was everything bad they knew. They called me names, they could call my house and call me a "snake". They would say they wanted to fly over and kick my ass. They behaved in bipolar ways enough times that it confused me. I thought it was love. It wasn't. It isn't.

Knowing about high sensitivity at the right time meant my reality was on its way to take a turn. I prayed when I only saw darkness. I wished to be gone. I was in deep despair. My dog has seizures from stress, from seeing me stressed out. I swear, there is very little to no research on this. Science cannot touch it. Dogs...a dog that's in tune with you is like a mirror. My dog showed me everything I needed to know, even before I knew what I was seeing. There was this one night where the seizure happened as the stress became loud. I just knew. I knew it was time for me to do something else. And I did. Slowly, slowly, slowly, and quietly, I began to do the work I had been procrastinating on. The self-value I expected to come from the outside was now an inside job. I no longer relied on anyone to give me what I missed. Somebody awesome I met held the candle for me. The candle became a beacon of bright light, and ever since the path has only cleared up. I cannot get lost again, I am past the dark edge. Victory, at last, at no one's expense - the best kind.

I am my friend. I have dog friends. Animals love me. A good bunch of people friend me, even though they wouldn't recognize me walking down the street. Yes, online friends. Friendships I have formed and nurtured over the years, virtually. And all those times when "they" said I had no friends, I was always online as if it was an addiction - they called it a distraction, while I was hard at work on several fronts. Addiction was my association with people who wanted to bring me down to match how they thought about themselves.

[Ignorance can only look at itself and ass-u-me that others are alike. Anytime anyone says anything bad, negative or mean about you, KNOW THIS: They are speaking about themselves. Always! it takes some time to see this as the ultimate Truth. Take your time seeing it. And once you do, all the negativity slides off you like you have been oiled]

Even the money I was making from my art alone wasn't valued by the blood suckers. Every effort I put in was diminished. And that's the people I was believing in. I'm not a victim, in fact I detest the word. But I put myself in a victim mold, and what used to come out of my mouth expressed my feelings of being permanently stuck. It was all playing out in my mind...not real....I could have snapped the threads anytime I wanted to. I could have freed myself. But there was still something about feeling bound that I needed to experience. Time? It ended up becoming a different thing for me. I could not think of time as we do, regularly, or the weight of wasting it would fall upon me and bring me down further. I had to measure time on my own standards and it became about inner progress, not hours, days or minutes.

Forward to now. I'm so proud of what I have done. No one can tell, or maybe some people can. It doesn't matter, as long as I know. And I know. I look at myself now, and look at myself then, just 3-4 yrs ago, and get so proud that I did not stay in the same place. The circumstances were so awful that I surrendered...the word kept coming to me and since I honor all signs, I relinquished. I met my fairy godmother, the person I mentioned before, that held the candle for me. Her approach is the same as Abraham-Hicks, which I now listen to on a regular, often daily basis.

Time? it's rolling. I pay no attention. I only look at my inner progress and so happy to see I am walking, hardly any crutches needed anymore. I'm becoming free, the free I was way before I knew. The freedom I wrapped carefully and handed to mean people to hold onto for me. They destroyed it. I cannot trust. I could not trust anyone at some point. Only my dog...my dog that knows exactly what I am feeling. I can't lie to him. I may have a smile but he knows exactly what's going on in my mind and heart. He makes me reboot because I love him so much that I don't want him to be harmed in anyway.

High sensitivity is an inborn trait and it runs in families. Not knowing this and having to live in the "regular" world, as it is, is the most painful thing one can experience. Only another sensitive with a similar experience can tell what it feels like. Knowledge, it's so true, frees us. Knowledge is the key to progress. Learning is crucial, like clean air. It's a survival tool. Those who don't learn about themselves but focus on others are missing the point.

This post probably makes no sense to some. But it will hit others in the heart.
There is hope. Despair was wiped out from my life by a dog...then another, then another, then another.  Four, the fourth being a substitute for the one I lost. I lost that dog because of the chaos I invited and entertained.
It was the fault of 2 grown-ups that caused her to die. I was one of the two. Oh how many times I have asked for forgiveness - lost the count. Oh how many tears I have shed - infinite amounts.

What a lesson I was taught. On my birthday! Something I will never forget, and every birthday has been a regular day for me, as I don't like fanfare. But now it's not a birthday, it's the day I learned the hardest and felt the most pain, ever. It was the day of my awakening. I saw everything very clear after that. Again, time is of no use b/c it can't measure how this progress goes. Measuring it through the filter of common time will only drive you crazy and more frustrated. You gotta look at your own heart, your physical sensations, how better you feel, how much you can go through stress now and not feel the pinches on your back like needles being driven into your spine. I felt the needles yesterday again, and it reminded me of how much I have walked on that path that used to be so dark. No one puts chains on me again.

A dog changed my life. A dog brought me back to myself, the place I should have never left.

I am listing on eBay again, including the dog painting you see here.

Dog painting....painted this dog to signify a new start.....right out of a frozen state of mind.
I have to work on so many commissions and promises and things I left behind...it's really overwhelming and I am working now to change my mind about painting. This whole time I was distracted with chaos also marked a dry spell for me. How could I not have a dry spell? Art for me is about beauty and I was in the darkness, there were no colors inside me or inspiration. I cried so many times, and even less than a year ago I believed it was all gone. I thought many times about gathering all my art materials and giving them away. I chopped my hair this winter, all attempts to gain some clarity regarding my work.

Well, I am not giving up. While I have been putting the wrong things and people at the top of my attention list, now I will put art again. I am trying to do exercises on a cheap paper journal. I am not yet daring to work on any commissions but I will have to push myself. And it's gonna work like charm. I know I am ready now. Since I lost my dog I worked to get priorities right in my head. I think I am at a good point now to invite the Muse back in, and hope she stays with me. Good or bad, I am gonna paint again and make things again. It's only through practice that anything we desire comes forth.  We create with our minds, our words and our intention. Don't let yourself die before your time is up.

Feelings? Never too much. They are your guidance system. Just got to know them really well so they are not bouncing off in chaotic mode.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I see your light. And it is beautiful.

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